My life changing event this year – if you haven’t read my ‘about moi’ page is in May my Mam died. Yes under all circumstances and cliché idea’s: I lost my best friend, my mentor, the foundation of my life. To have a super geek reference I lost the Obi Wan to my Luke Skywalker. I lost the person that all my life helped me find an answer when one wasn’t clear to me. But, unlike how I felt, the world didn’t end, a giant hole didn’t open up to swallow me, life went on around me.
However, you may have read when it happened I packed up my life in Stoke and moved clear across the country to my home town to pick up the pieces she left behind. I became an au pair, I took a teaching job (for longer than I planned), I became a permanent journalist, rather than an occasional contributor. Anything that would give me more stable ties here – basically anything rather than to face leaving her behind and to start tackling the reality of becoming a true adult without my Mam to hold my hand (figuratively) and telling me I’m making the right decisions.
I basically hit pause on my life with the excuse I was pursuing other dreams; which I hadn’t’ realised at the time I actually was. All these things I was doing less frequently than when I came home, were hobbies or idea’s. But eventually I realised I had a true passion for them – Hint the whole reference to me ‘wanting to do it all’.
Putting my life on hold was by no means healthy to recovering over the trauma I faced – But by hitting pause I discovered I wanted to do more. It also turns out I chose the harder route than facing life away- being an au pair for a kid with ADHD, is by no means easy. 6am – 11pm? That’s definitely not the 9-5 my friends work over summer. Teaching is terrifying that you’re not going to be good enough or going to be able to help them learn. And Journalism? God if I misquote or get a fact wrong it could’ve ended for me. There’s also the case of standing in the rain for hours waiting for interviews and such!
Let’s face the fact’s when the going got tough I ran home and basically ran round like a headless chicken for four months trying to be everything to everyone and trying to be my Mam – But I’m not her, I’m like her, but she had 30 years experience on me. It turned out running away and thinking I was hitting pause, was actually a lot harder than facing she was gone, and I couldn’t be what she was. But in all this headless chicken nonsense, I got way closer to my dad. Had a four month taste of what it’s like to be a Mum and discovered that I don’t have to be or do one thing, I can do it all – it’s hard, I’ve only had four months of doing it all and I feel fortysomething never mind twentysomething.
I’ve got to say though, with the loss of my Obi Wan, I found a wiser Yoda in the form of my Fiancé, whom I couldn’t have made my way through hitting pause without. My yoda taught me that just because my Obi Wan was gone doesn’t mean I should give up on taking down the empire which in reality was my life carrying on. Luke didn’t give up – I won’t be…. Ok, I’ve stopped with Star Wars references now!
But if I could manage to do so much when I was determined to run away from everything, I think it’s about time to see what my tenacious future holds when I’m more than determined to run towards it!
So, I think it’s time to hit play….
Me, my fiancé , my Yoda and my always there Obi Wan…